I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
You Might Also Like
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Sponch
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
don’t we all
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no