Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
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Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich