My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.