Perfection.
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Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Body by cheese-puffs.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I am having an out of money experience.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.