“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
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2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Lol.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”