I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]