One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
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That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I am having an out of money experience.
The game has officially changed 😎
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead