I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
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Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
One of the best
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.