I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
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Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
This made me smile…
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter