look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
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[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”