the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
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Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.