*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
ready to be harvested
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.