I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”