Trumpy Cat
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Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener