It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
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Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked