A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
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HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
S M O L
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.