Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
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*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*