My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
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My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
God, I love Scotland
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster