If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
You Might Also Like
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH