ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
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I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Cake!!
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.