I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.