It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
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My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog