A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
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[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point