My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
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My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
This could be us but you eatin’
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
TRAIN’S HERE
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.