You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
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date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.