Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job