I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
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This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Wise advice
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
never ask a starfish for directions
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.