Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
You Might Also Like
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
…u ok Nintendo?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday