“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
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[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
58.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.