Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Siri: Retweet me.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.