After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
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*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
That took me a moment.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead