Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
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My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.