I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
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It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
pls suprot
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”