Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
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Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Bros before Ohioes
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?