[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.