Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
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Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
tis the season
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.