Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
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*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Pat is about to own someone
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.