Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
You Might Also Like
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.