Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
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Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
This probably isn’t good
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]