If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
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what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”