FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
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The news
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?