Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
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Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss