Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
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My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
🤣🤣
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
The struggle is real.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?