Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
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My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.