Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
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my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Become ungovernable.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
How I’d get arrested…
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure