Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
You Might Also Like
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Oops I deleted….
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
awkward
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created