Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
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Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?