Lionel Ritchie being British :
馃幍 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 馃幍
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Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Homeschooling isn鈥檛 going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Yup.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs