I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.