*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.